If only it seemed like postpartum depression - the uncontrollable crying or the thoughts of suicide - I'd be able to identify it. Instead, I find myself in a state of what? postpartum rage maybe? It's constant. At best, it's below the surface and somewhat controlled. Much of the time, however (and unfortunately), it presents as me being a chronic grump. I snap at the least provocation and, in my mind, I'm doing some very unfriendly things to those closest to me.

And don't even get me started on the whereabouts of my sex drive. It's like I'm playing Marco Polo with my libido. For one who is normally very interested and who rarely needs encouragement, I am now sexually anorexic. This plays (I'm sure heavily) into the snapping and fighting, too. Talk about insult to injury.

The only times I feel sane and peaceful are when I'm alone with Bean, and even that's not a sure thing. My fickle moods have me wanting nothing more than to be alone with him, only to be resentful of the fact that I can't be away from him for more than an hour or two. The really messed up aspect of this is I have a very understanding partner who would gladly make either scenario a reality, but I can't seem to hold onto one desire long enough to make that happen.

So. For the girl who never makes New Year's resolutions, it seems I now have two: to clean up my language and to find a therapist, stat. Anyone have any recommendations?

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